I wanted this post to give you a somewhat update on my life. Right before I moved to Hawaii, I wrote a few blogs posts that were very raw. I poured my heart out onto the pages and you all responded with love. I had never felt so connected, this coming from someone who is still struggling with connecting with people. It was a beautiful experience and I felt cleansed in a way, free of all the negative energy that had been dwelling deep inside me, growing but never leaving. In that moment, I knew that writing was no longer my hobby, but my savior. I fought my fears with the keyboard, the pages of my journal and a pen.
When I arrived on island I felt myself withdraw from social media. It went from inspiring me, to running my life. I still believed in the power of social media, and the wonderful way it can connect us, but I just needed a break in order to get back to why I started in the first place. Instagram is just a creative outlet, it only portrays about 10% (maybe not even) of my real life. This blog was created to show you other parts of my life, things I struggle with. Real parts of me, so that maybe you can see yourself through me, through my words. When I left social media I forgot what I was writing for. I got so caught up in writing for an audience I stopped writing all together. Since I got here, so much has happened. Good and bad. This island has tested me many times already and there has been no creative outlet for me to release all of it and I just knew writing was missing. So here I am again, releasing everything.
The first thing Hawaii has taught me is we don't actually need all the things we think we do. Most things we claim to be “necessities” of life are actually just desires or privileges of living in the Western world. Most communities have everything we need in them and we don't actually need a vehicle. Even if the closest store is 30 to 45 minutes away walking, that's completely doable. We just don't want to walk 30 to 45 minutes to the store, which may be understandable but still doesn't make a car a necessity. When I first moved here I was forced for the first time to grocery shop and make it home with all the bags balancing on my bicycle handlebars. I walked 30 minutes to work, cursing the sun for the first time because it was making me overheat in my work clothes. One of my days off I was bored and didn't want to be home so I walked for 4 hours straight, with no real destination at all, just pure exploration. I now own a beat up little car that gets me around the island when I have somewhere I want to go, and it's a gem to me. I appreciate it so much more than I ever did when I had a car on the mainland.
Another thing it has taught me is we control everything that happens to us. This was hard for me to understand because I had always treated my problems as if they were something life was just doing to me and I had no choice in the matter. Something doesn't really become a problem unless we allow it to be. Life will constantly throw us different moments, and our reactions to those moments are what causes them to be good or bad. We can learn to control our reactions and how we choose to look at each moment. I stopped attaching “good” and “bad” to the things that were happening to me and instead started calling them lessons. I am now learning something from each moment in my life. I stopped labeling myself as well, and began to ask myself things like “Do you have depression, or does depression have you? Do you have anxiety or does anxiety have you? Before you react badly to this situation, did you cause it, and do you have the power to end it positively?” Things may happen out of our control but we can ALWAYS control how we react to it. After really practicing it, it gets so much easier with time. I am still learning.
Relationships of every kind take work. The most important relationship that needs to be handled first is the relationship we have with ourselves. Self love is the key to everything. The island can seem to isolate you in the beginning, your family is halfway across the world, all the friends you've made in your past are just as far, and you're left to just be with you. My first step was dealing with that isolation, spiritual growth is messy. Before being awakened yourself you may see it as this end to all suffering, this path of enlightenment that's filled with love, peace and understanding. Beauty from there on out. No. Spiritual and personal growth is messy. You meet yourself in a place you never thought you would, all of your issues are laid out for you and you feel them one by one. But then, you release them, and you forgive yourself. This is freedom. This is breaking the chains that you didn't even know you had. It's so wondrous, but not at all easy. All of this letting go and forgiving allows you to truly accept and love yourself for exactly who you are and where you are in this moment. Flaws and all. In doing this I could move onto my personal relationships with others. I am still working on all of this so instead of saying “I learned..” let's go with “I'm learning...”. I am learning how to listen to others with an open heart, and open mind, free of judgment. I am learning how to branch out and open myself up to people so that I can have a chance at good quality relationships. I am learning how to stop using my label I gave myself as an introvert as an excuse not to get out and meet friends. I am learning how to build a romantic relationship and a great friendship all in one with my significant other. I am learning how to balance time working on myself and time spent with my partner. I am breaking down walls, even if it's brick by brick and a not at all a quick process.
I have learned so much more in the time that I have spent here, but these are a few things I have found to be huge transformations in my life. I need to write. I crave to write. This is such a good outlet for me and I plan to share more and more on these pages.
If this never gets published or put out there by me, or read by anyone,
Dear me: I love you.
If 2 people read this...if a million people read this,
Dear all of you: I love you. Thank you for supporting my art & my heart.